Grapegate!

I followed a trail of clues and solved a problem. I live in a house that rents out rooms. 
This morning I went to the bathroom to clean out a paintbrush in the sink. 
It quickly filled up with water. So I boiled a bit of water and poured it down to maybe free the obstruction. I could see a flash of purple when I gave a look with my bike light. 
So I turned both spigots on and furiously started doing the plunger businesses on this sink. 
Yes! I grabbed an emaciated grape. 
Still the sink was clogged so I plunged on. 
I was getting debris that I couldn't readily identify. 
I seemed like someone dissolved a cardboard box into the drain. Then I started making out that it was food. Former food to be precise. 
The smell informed me that It had already been in somebody. 
We live in a "Foodie" hot spot. I'm guessing someone over-imbibed and then puked into the sink during the night. 
I learned right away that the folks who rent rooms here are not shagging (those folks go to motels) or binge drinking. These cats came to eat. 
I'm more than happy to add another notch on my plunger handle for crazy stuff I have pulled up. 
The most exotic thing I ever found was the contents of a jar of pickles flushed down a Ptown warehouse commode. 
After lunch one day the receptionist had clogged the toilette the natural way. She then decided to add all the pickles knowing it was gonna be up to me to plunge. She never told me why she flushed the pickles. 
It was a red herring but I didn't know that. 
I cleared the situation and reported to her. 
"I found out why your pickles weren't going down...they were blocked by some turdlettes. Maybe next time you should flush the pickles first, then take a dump."
 LOL.

Single serving friends to remember.

Our life is like mice constantly negotiating a maze only we are creating a maze behind us as well. 
That means we change directions so frequently that regular friend relationships are problematic. Living in a house with constant random traffic affords us "single serving friends" that we can relate to but have no obligation to run into again. 
Don't get me wrong. We love our locals too but running into them on the random or to serve a goal works for us while sitting around does not. It wears out our social batteries. 
Single serving friends it is.
Many times we hit it off with our S.S.F.s and are very sad when they go.
They would make great neighbors.
We just had a pair of women from opposite sides of the country come through. One was here for work and the other flew cross country just to enjoy her friend. 
They were only here a short time but still it felt like we were long term roomies. They felt like old friends and moved around the house confidently.
I love when you find out someone was poly-amourous or vegan in the first conversation, this duo gave us one of each. We thought it was charming that they really enjoyed playing cards with each other. Lots of folks would be staring at phones. When they left, we were busy doing a kid exchange with co-parent. It was too fast and busy a goodbye to tell them how profoundly enjoyable it was being co-habitants. Lots of folks meet in Ptown from other places. 
It's a joy to be all up in that.
The other room was occupied by a lovely woman from No-Cal.
We didn't know anything about her until her last night.
She was sad and a bit tipsy.
That is how we learned she was here for a funeral.
An elder in her family had passed away, she paid her respects and now she was going home with heavy heart. It was our dinner time but Olive got up and started trying to make her comfortable. 
We don't own or work for the room renter but we are handy to have around because we are compassionate and very nosy.
The lady had questions of her own.
"Really, you two are clowns? Do ya juggle?"
We told her that juggling wasn't in our toolbox.
Portland has some of the best jugglers I have ever seen. I never saw a point in competing with those big fish.
"Too bad, I got these tennis balls from the funeral."
She pulled out some tballs and threw them at Olive. 
They hit it off by not juggling and talking about life. 
My son and I were cracking up because Olive sounded as tipsy as our guest but she hadn't touched a drop. She is just fun.
They were all laughing until Olive asked
"Why were there Tennis balls at the funeral?"
The lady got sad again.
"There was a little dog who belonged to the deceased. The elderly doggy also passed away after losing will to live."
What a double downer. They soon shook it off and retired to the kitchen to talk about pleasant things.
Early flight so we didn't get to say goodbye...we still have the tennis balls though.

During holidays we get a lot of folks from Othercountrystan.

 This weekend the rooms have two pair of 20somethings from I'm guessing Asian countries like Japan or maybe the Seattle. There is a language barrier but that didn't stop lots of convos. 
One was water coloring last night as we sat around. Found this on the fridge this morning. 
I'm delighted that she drew lips on me. Last I checked I have no lips, just an awkward opening. Maybe she drew us open mouthed. 
One of the other women wasn't at all intrigued by clowns, a huge jar of pot on the dining table or the "no Perfume" rule. She was intrigued that our place houses multi generational people who aren't blood family. "You mean you aren't related to the home owner in any way?" 
I hadn't thought of it so strongly because that's always whats up. "I'm on her Friends list...does that count?" 
I don't think the two pair of guests ever actually met each other. They are doing different shifts of vaykay it would seem. 
The way we are all related is that somehow almost everyone in the house is menstruating. It's a super clean house but I can tell because the trash bins are overflowing with packaging and entering the bathroom I'm overwhelmed with the scent of iron. #goodtimes

"Uncle Joe"became our gargon for any relative voted off their family island.

Sometimes during huge family events like weddings and reunions folks need to park out of town relatives somewhere because they don't have room. Oddest relative usually gets the boot to our place.
They called him Uncle Joe thus so do we. "Uncle Joe"became our gargon for every relative voted off their family island. If he is too much for them maybe, he is perfectly entertaining for us.

It was great having Uncle J around all week. The upstate NY accent really added to the mix. I can listen to that all day.
He was more than happy to hang with us. He said we are not the kind of humans he is used to seeing up close.
"I'm gonna miss you kids. I feel younger and hipper just hangin' out wit ya."
His beer looked like ancient artifacts in our fridge. Usually microbrews are the normal fridge fare. I haven't seen a Coors since the 80's. Gonna miss ya Uncle Joe! We sat on the front porch one day just watching a colorful array of portland people walk by.
Olive asks lots of questions. We found out a fun fact. Uncle Joe's birthday is August 15th just like mine! Only he was born in 1970 and I was born in 1969. Yup. I'm actually older than Uncle Joe.
We took some moments to realize we had very different interpretations of being a 50 year old.
I sat in the back jaw jacking with him last night. I was delighted to share some Croptober surprise from our Uncle J (the high end pot farmer)
I forgot my little tolerance trick while puffing with our new friend. I can puff away at a cigar sized doobie and not really be much different. It's just relaxing to me. But Uncle J got FADED after a few puffs and two Coors.
He had plans to hit the town but instead hit the sack.
I was a little bummed. Sorry man.
I don't like doing that to folks.
Those vacations are expensive. Thankfully he was bright eyed and bushytailed the next day. Good times and handshakes all around.
I hope he comes back to Puddletown someday.

a bit about us

Olive and Dingo from NW Documentary on Vimeo.

rain

This morning two young Japanese women shuffled by presumably not knowing what to think of my clowny self sipping coffee. I smiled and waved.
They waved.
Then outside I could hear them conferring.
They came back Greeted me and said
"Can we borrow umbrella?"
I almost said "What is that?"
We don't use those around here.
It's raining but never exactly a deluge.
So I tore the house apart looking for umbrellas.
Finally I found a crooked old bumbershoot that looked like a dead washed up seabird and handed it over.
They were delighted and took off just as the sun came out. Glad I could help.

Best single serving" Friend

Last week we had a first. I don't tell the guests that I consider them "single serving" friends. That is unless they aren't.
I met my first "Best single serving" Friend.
She showed up from Hollywood taking a 3 month break from her job as a prop artist in game shows.
She walked in to find me at the table pruning a pot tree.
"I guess I'm in Portland now." she said. I hear that a lot.
We started enthusiastically trading life stories.
She lives behind the curtain, we live behind the curtain.
I told her about the single serving friends we entertain. We hit it off so well I decided to take a chance. Before I could think too much I said "Hey wanna take a strange ride on a strange vehicle with a strange stranger?"
Moments later we were rolling down the main drag on my tallbike with her laughing her head off.
"You aren't bad tricky are you?"
I said "I'm tricky but all good tricky."
I rode her around, dropped her off at a bistro and went on with my clowny day.
I was hoping Olive would like her as I did. That night I came home and the first thing I saw opening the door was Olive and her embracing. "Yup they found each other. lol
Our family was there and I was delighted to see my best single serving friend having great convos with our very permanent family. I told her she was my Best single serving friend" and she said "I bet you say that to all the folks." I don't, it was legit.
Then she split. We are now friends on instagram thus voiding her single serving friend status. :) We hosted a hansom hard-hat type
Said his house a few blocks away was having plumbing and electric problems. He said he would just stay a couple days while his house was unlivable. The other room had a couple who were toting around pro massage tables. We were too busy to get to know them.
Couple days later the Hardhat came home from his job crestfallen.
The situation at home was worse, he squared a few more days in the other room.
He works on skyscrapers everyday.
The couple moved on, they said they were sad they didn't have time to hire us for a tallbike tour.
We never offered that so I'm glad our life lends itself to people knowing they can bribe us to do some things (especially if it's something we were already planning to do). So guess who rented his original room again. Mr. Hardhat.
Things at home took a turn for the worst. They had to chase the plumbing to the street, never an easy or cheap fix.He has a new neighbor across from his room. A very smily young woman who is here for a wedding. Her name is Meow!
Guess how much fun we have coming up with reasons to say her name? Heaps. she had some good conversations with Olive.
She is from Bangkok.

We love her. She is such a great diplomat for her side of the world. We would do anything for her. Mr.Hardhat is starting to see how busy the house is weekly even when it's sleepy day to day.
He is also booking more days so we are pulling for him.
Hope I don't have to go down there and construct his house for him.

half of a young couple from Ireland

Last night half of a young couple from Ireland walked out of the bathroom and stood in the hallway grinning huge.
He was only wearing the smile and some boxer briefs. ""I'm in me Boxas." he said before walking into his room like it's a carnival ride.
His outfit was more brief than boxer but nobody complained (especially his wife I'm sure).
Glad to hear they are having fun in the Portland.
b't'w' he wasn't the first country represented in the underwear show.
Last year we had a Japanese fella give us a Funduchi demonstration of traditional men's underwear.
That was very cheeky and educational.
Lots of folks run around our house in skivvies, but it's none of our beeswax unless they somehow say "Get a load a me" then we are happy to sit and be the audience for a change.

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"People in Florida act more like how they teach us Americans are in China."

"People in Florida act more like how they teach us Americans are in China."
That's not a good thing, She was talking about diet, temperament and level of awareness.
She was not looking forward to returning to her insufferable hosts.
She had a magical week here in Puddletown and now has to go back to The Sunshine state to complete an advanced degree.
We gave her a good send-off.
Florida state motto "In God we trust"
Oregon state motto "Alis volat propriis “She Flies With Her Own Wings".

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Belmont street fair 2019

empty nesters

A young man from Denmark is in one of the rooms. He is keeping to himself.
Works for me, The other room has a nice couple from Seattle.
This is their first weekend being "Empty Nesters"
The couple dropped their son off in the Burbs and decided to have a Portland weekend.
As the two arrived on the dark porch I was sitting in the dark wearing only a kilt and fishnets,
talking to you on the internet, practicing a YoYo with my big toe and chomping on a joint the size of a jumbo crayon. I wasn't expecting company.
I fell all over myself trying to get me together. I dropped the cherry of my joint down my leg, lost my yoyo and spilled my coffee, then I clamored over to the keypad and typed them in.
They just looked at me smiling like I was a raccoon with a jar stuck on my head.
I showed them the house and rooms. She loved talking to Olive and I because we both had lots of the day's residual glitter on still. We sparkle when we talk.
After they showered and slept a bit they met me back out front.
The two had taken 19 y.o.kid on a last family camping trip.
They camped next to a Latino family. Across the river another family were upset at the brown family's existence.
They we shouting about the wall and "go back" epithets while parading around with guns.
So the family decided to crank up some Do Wop music to drown them out.
The Latinos family were all into that they said.
After the camping trip they dropped Sonny off with his Dad.
Dad said "You going to Portland? Watch out...they got them Antiffas down there and they WILL jump you."
(I listen to the cop radio a lot. The people getting jumped are typically gay or black.)
She told her Ex. "I'm not a fascist so I'll be fine." Of course what she found was more friendly people than she has seen in a long time. They love how nice we are around here compared to the Emerald City.
We talked about the whole "empty nest" situation. I was excited for them.
Great time to reinvent themselves and they know it.
We said goodnight. I didn't get to say goodbye to them but they left a lovely review about us.



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New bathroom each time.

I thought I would be grossed out by living with so many folks who use the same bathroom.
I found out that this place gets cleaned so often it's like getting a new paper towel.
New bathroom every time.
Those rooms are the cleanest places I ever lived.
It's a palace next to the gritty punk house bathrooms I used to share.

socio-economic worlds.

 Lots of interesting characters have come thru lately but I didn't have time to write about them. 
This Thursday a lady (mid 50's) showed us from LA. She said she needed to be someplace besides LA. 
Looking at us she seemed pleased. 
She was smiling ear to ear as we introduced her to Portland. The other room had a lovely couple from Idaho. 
They had befriended a group of folks in Las Vegas who travel around following a band. 
Now they go around seeing the band but unlike the other groupies in their group, they are parents of 3 little kids and not rich like their companions. 
So they have the awkward times of being the only couple who isn't a named member of the law firm. It works out. They couple loved hanging out with us too. 
They took lots of photos of us and we had a fine cannabis session on the porch. 
It's not legal where they live so they understandably got pretty buzzed on an amount I hardly noticed. 
They said they were having dinner and trying to explain to their companions about our bikes when there was a sudden buzz. A clamor in the restaurant. 
The people in the place we were eating were reacting to us riding by. He stood up and hollered "That's them!" 
Usually folks ask us a lot of questions about our life (and they did) but I was really into asking them a lot of questions about the mutual admiration society they have going on with the law partners. I'm fascinated.
When it's their turn to get the drinks they can't get 3 top shelf bottles for the table so they just get a round of beers and shots instead. I love that it works out. It's interesting to me. 
I like when folks find ways to mix in all the socio-economic worlds. 
Those folks are gone and now we have a lady from Seattle attending her elementary school reunion with other 60 somethings. 
I lost track of my elementary school chums in Jr.High I can't imagine keeping touch for decades. lol

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wine tastes like wine

What kind of Ice Cream goes with $30 wine?
Hope it's bargain bin, damaged freight butter pecan. We live in a house that rents out rooms.

Most often they leave their weed behind for us, this time it's wine. I don't drink but I never had expensive wine...even when I was a souse.
The wine came from a sun baked couple from SoCal. They were delightful, really smiley and it was adorable how they had such amazing tan lines from the flip flops.
They enjoy, coffee, cycling, reading books and taking phone clients even though they are retired.
Our tallbikes were no biggie to them, they are both hot air balloon pilots. My giant rig is a bug to them.
They had that grandparent vibe that made us want to impress them. Over and over again I had to stop myself from bothering them "um here is a drawing I crayoned for you, perhaps you can put it on your fridge?"
They took a shine to us too.

They bought this wine and only had a glass out of it, then left the rest for us.
Olive and I decided to make a date of it. We sat down with the bottle, ice cream and a 2001 episode of Amazing Race. I made myself a butter pecan wine float that tasted more than a little bit like burnt kitten ear medication.
I realized that the two taste sensations need to be separated.
The wine tasted like wine. I didn't have anything to compare it to since the last time I had regular wine (from a box) was over a decade ago

Dallas was here, San Fran, Toronto.Then we had an elderly country doctor from Tennessee.

 He wasn't here to enjoy the foodie and or nightlife like most. He was on the clock doing infrastructure stuff. 

We became his single serving friends. It was good to have a bunch of time with someone we disagree with. 

I don't want to be in a feedback loop. 

I care about truth so that means trying to understand everyone's perspective. He was very conservative. How conservative? 

He does missionary work. 

That is actually against our religion lol. We still got along great. We agreed on a lot of things too. 

He was certain that there shouldn't be a bunch of military weapons in the hands of regular citizens. He knew the president was an unjust man. 

He also had exciting adventure stories about sneaking bibles into North Korea.

 I loved how his eyes twinkled awkwardly as I rolled a joint. "We do things different at my house." No booze is allowed at his place while it's encouraged here. I also got to show him that it wasn't a problem. It was fascinating to get to know him. He took us to dinner one night. 

On the way he was marveling about how beautiful Portland is. He loved how friendly and informed the people are. He said Portland reminded him of the towns of the 1940s. Lots of people just on the street talking and enjoying each other. He was delighted to see so many small shops and booming local economy. 

I let him know it's not an accident. Portland used to routinely run out Walmart, McDonalds and tons of other chain stores that crush small biz and ruin communities. 

We had din din over on Hawthorne. It was a treat to hear his wisdom and life stories. 

I think what we had in common was the brothers keeper thing. We all had agency over our communities and do our best to take care of everyone.We were also all self made people. 

On the way home we saw Metro boutique and the Haberdasher across the street. 

We know he has the bread for some threads. 

We tried to convince him to let us pick him out some new flash clothing. Same as his Andy Griffith barbershop style, just updated and elevated. 

We wanted to trick him out and send him home looking dapper for his lady. "Clown Eye for the country guy" 

Of course he wasn't having it. 

He gently explained that he has old school conservative values and flashy stuff is not considered very becoming.

 Ok ok fair enough...but I want to hear his wife say that. 

I bet she would love to be swept off her feet by a sharp dressed man.

Minneapolis in the house

This week we had a couple a women from Minneapolis having a friendcation and enjoying one of their favorite subjects:food and booze.
They got me up to date on the crazy booze laws in the Minnyapple.
I can talk about that stuff all night. Later I was washing dishes as I heard them in the next room talking with Olive. It was a giggle fest. I kept hearing words slip in between the clank of scrubbed pots.
Words like "erotic, sci-fi, festival, dinosaurs"
then Olive "Is that a fest you are attending?"
Them: "Nope we are the organizers."
Without knowing fully what they were talking about I went into the room and said
"I just want you to know how much I love and cherish the Twin Cities."
One of them looked at me over the sunglasses she was rocking inside and said the perfect thing.
"Minneapolis, Austin and Portland baby."
LOL YES! I love Austin too.
Been there a lot of times and never had a bad day.

I have grown apprehensive when men show up.

They do gross stuff. Luckily our place is popular with mostly women and they are a lot cleaner.
The last guy must have had stomach problems. He kept leaving the commode looking like someone took a baseball bat to a bean burrito. Yuck.
Olive and I didn't realize we were both cleaning the same dude's mess over and over.
One night I left the lid open hoping he would notice his art project and take care of it.
Unfortunately Olive woke in the night and had to clean it up first.
We don't work here but bathrooms are one of our normal roommate chores.
Yesterday he got my attention.
"Um the bathroom is out of toilet paper"
and Olive and I looked at each other instantly wondering "What are you gonna do with that?" lol

Oh calamity!

Oh calamity!
Canadian blood has been spilled on our soil. The house i live in got an email. The last guests renting the room leaked some menstrual poetry in the fancy sheets.
Nosy, i went in with the cleaners (popcorn in hand) ready to survey the carnage! Well,it wasn't what I expected.

I was expecting it to look like a litter of Great Dane were born there. No luck. It was discreet and small.
A couple of faint pink dots the size of quarters.
They cleaned it up as best they could but still that pro bedding's career has effectively ended.
I'm so glad we all survived the ordeal without and casualties or an international incident.
Now us jackal clowns have scavenged the sheet.
We are thinking of making a banner that says "Welcome to Salem" to put on our roof...y'know... for the airplane passengers to freak out to.

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If you rent a room somewhere is it acceptable to ask that the toilets always be flushed?

Someone reserved a room and made that request. So now I'm working out how to make the tank always flush yellow water and how to glue a Baby Ruth candybar to the bottom of the bowl. I think it's gotta be contact cement. Guess I gotta drain the old commode tonight. #enrichment
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Both occupaddos (a lady from SF and two Canadian college women) made their beds when they left.

 I wonder who they thought would be jumping in after them. 
lol Doing that looks nice but it confounds whomever has to clean the room because unmaking the bed is like have i little unnecessary puzzle to break your stride. 
Now the rooms have two couples who both happen to be from Seattle. 
One pair are an anthropology team. 
There is a conference in town. They greeted us with hugs so I'm looking forward to picking their brains about one of my favorite things to research. 
Anthro-pros have a lot for storytelling. We are in the cultural icon business so I want to know what the most ubiquitous cultural norms across time and space. 
Hopefully I have something to offer them. There was talk of us being in their ear during some fancy social gatherings and public speaking. 
Those are great times to have clowns in your pocket.
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I was gonna tell one of the guests "Did you see who was staying across from you?

 I was gonna tell one of the guests "Did you see who was staying across from you? That was Noah from 1980's Mtv." I met him in the livingroom as we came home from a gig. 
We sat talking for a long time about the industry, Hollywood, New York. 
I told him where I was when Mtv started, he was appreciating my tale of the fresh crowd we just had at our show. 
"Gotta love a fresh crowd."
 I wanted to tell the guest about her neighbor but I don't think a millennial from Columbia would understandably give a shlitz

Guest staying with us (From the distant exotic land of Seattle):

 "I love Portland. I want to Portland.
 I noticed you have a staple gun. May I walk around posting your guyziz fliers?"
 Us. "Yes indeed!"

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